From the moment I took my shirt off-
the mood changed. Before, we were kissing and touching in the heat of passion;now we were staring like distant lovers.
“You want me to turn the lights off?” I whispered.
He didn’t answer, just stared.
It had been two years since I had been touched by a man, my clitoris was burning a hole in my soft floral print panties.
So, I politely asked again “Do you…want me to turn the lights off?”
“What happened” he responded in disbelief.
“Well, I never thought that we would get to this point, so I didn’t feel the need to tell you-”
“Humph” He mumbles under his breath.
“-I HAAD’d breast cancer” I whispered softly hoping not to interrupt the mood.
“I’m perfectly fine now.. Lets not ruin the mood”
“The mood…I think it’s a lil too late for that” he responded, with a disappointment look on his face.
Than
he continued on “dont you think that maybe you should have said
something earlier?”"…maybe mentioned it in general conversation?”
“Yeah” I responded sarcastically.
My name is Jade…I’m 36 years old…I enjoy ice skating, going out to the
movies- Oh! yeah! and by the way, I only have one breast”
“Okay” he looked into my eyes.
“Hmmm…funny! okay, maybe I deserve that…but I would have like to known before now”
“I’m sorry” I guess?
“I mean- this could happen, but it’s going to take some time”
“Time” I responded.
“Yes”
“Just not now”
“Oo-kay?” Maybe, he could see the look of desperation in my eyes. I wanted it. Wanted it badly.
“This
is too much, too fast” He began to put his deep chocolate croc’s on.
Whipped his locs to one side, than slipped on the other shoe.
A little thing like a breast was going to keep me from getting some. I
had survived breast cancer…and hair lose as if that wasn’t enough
only to be hopelessly stuck in an era where fake tits and bodilicous
asses were much more desired that brains and natural beauty.
I had considered plastic surgery, but it would be a while before I could
afford it. Eitherway, it couldn,t help me right now. His soft brown
skin still glistening with sweat, he whips his forehead than pulls his
locs back away from his face.
I guess that was the end of that, but I was still ’bout as horney as an unspaded cat…in heat. Luckly, I
had gotten use to it so, I learning how to handle things myself. I
didn’t consider myself gross or abnormal and maybe he did.

So, there was nothing left to do, but show him the door. “Well, I guess we
could try again another time” I softly, spoke as I put my peach colored
robe on and escorted him down the semi-lite hall and to the door. I
took a deep breath and sighed..”Good-bye”.
He blew me a kiss and walked away.
I knew it was too much for a man to handle so I went for what I was use
to and what worked for me- ole faithful! I cascaded back down the hall,
into my perfectly decorated dressing room where I kept all my clothes.
As I walked pass the mirror I looked at my even coco complexion, my
brown round eyes, my full lips and petite frame, I’m still not bad…I
thought to myself.
I shoved my small hands into the crowded
dresser draw and fumbled to the left and fumbled to the right…tossing
panties and bras into the floor. Ah! one eyed jack as I liked to call
him. A ninety dollar investment I put on a small lavender multi-speed
vibrator with a limited life time warranty. What the hell did that mean
anyway- five years or 50,000 miles! Anyway, I hoped to not be using it
much longer or atleast not to be using it alone.
I went to the living room, leaned across the back of the couch and picked up the
remote, snapped off the back and pour the two double A batteries into
the palm of my hand. Than I began to make my way to the bathroom where
I ran me a hot bubble bath. I knew that after a nice hot bath and an orgasm
would be just what I needed to relax myself and get some sleep.
I set on the edge of the toilet seat and began to undress myself than I stood up and dip the tip of my toe into the water and got that tingling sensations, which let me know the water was too damn hot. So, I leaned my sleander body forward and turned the skinny steel handle with the little blue “C” counter clock-wise and fished my soft wash cloth back and forth like a rod with bait. I finally got the temperture were I wanted it.
I stepped into the smooth porceline tub, one foot after the other than I lowered myself into the lukewarm water. My body sunk chest deep into the water. The chamomille infused bubble bath began to relax all of my senses. I rubbed a hand full of bubbles on the scar where my flesh once lived and began to image my breast was still there. I washed myself up and began to think, if I should measure myself based on my physical attributes …I know I had much more working for me, but is that how people would see me. Incomplete. Lacking.
The water began to cool and my hands wrinkled like dry rasins so, I pull my towel from the towel rack, stood up and wrapped it around me. I tip toed out of the bathroom and headed towards my cream colored victorian vanity. I began to look through my large collection of smell good locations and fragrances…victoria secret..Baby Phat Godess…rite aid brand lotion..a tub of shea butter and my personal favorite lavender baby oil.
I had business to tend to! There was nothing like loving yourself because if you dont no one else will. Since Santos, couldnt give me the fix I need it was upto me, Johnson & Johnson and my niffty vibrator side kick. Although, a vibrator could give you the ultimate orgasim it could in no way replace the firm touch of a man. Edspecially, one with a six pack so stiff and sculpted you could come to climax just looking at them.
I had been dating Santos for about four months. He followed all the rules. We did the three month no-sex rule like sistagirl from Girlsfriends and everything.We met through friends who apparently didnt inform him of short coming. What the hell were breast anyway! You could get along without them, it wasnt like I was a man without a penis.
I said it loud, trying to convience myself “I am not broken”
Than louder, “I-am not broken!”
I went to the mirror and gazed myself in the eyes. I still had all the essential parts that made me a woman…ovaries…fallopian tubes…and of course the neverending cycle which meant I was still capable of reproducing. And I have a beautiful vagina that resembled an iris. Delicate and in full bloom. You had to have a scense of humor going through the things I had been through…life wasnt easy…intimacy even harder…Self acceptance- a job within it’s self.
I began to speak to the sky
“I am disease free!”
“HIV negative!”
“I’m not any mans bitch or baby mama”
“Any man would be lucky to have me…”
“I am independant” I affirmed .
” I” sigh
“am beautiful!”

I woke up this morning just happy to be alive! Sometimes we are moving so fast that we forget to savour the moment…slow down and appreciate the warm blood running through our vains or the heart beat vibrating through our chest. I was happy to be alive!

I rolled out of the bed and took what my father would call a bird bath…where you washed all the essential parts…underarms and private parts. Than I dressed myself and applied a suttle fragance to my skin.

Grabbed my blazer off the door and headed down the stairs. I jumped and the car and turned to “The Steve Harvey Morning Show”. He got me up, laughing and ready to start my day. As I pulled into the garage some impatient man decides to cut in front of me. I wanted to yell profanity out my window, but i maintainedd my composure. I wasnt going to let anything ruin my day.

I parked in my usual parking spot, put on my Cole Haan Ceci Air Rose Sling Backs. Yeah! I was a diva, but comfort is pricless…closed the door of my shiney black, Lincoln Navigator. Set my alarm and headed for the elevator just than the rude jerk who had just cut me off approached the elevator. He was tall, dark and attractive. He looked like he did Calvin Kleine underware ads for a living. I tried to act nonchalant and turned and looked the other way.

Than suddenly, I drop my keys.
“Damn” I mumbled.
“Let me get those for you” he said gently
I could see him looking at my legs as he gathered my keys. He was a pig.
“You look astounding today” he said, as he stood up
“Thank you” I mumbled.
“My pleasure”
“So, are you alway this polite after you cut somebody off”…it slipped out
“Haha-haha!” he laughs
“I’m sorry”
“Sorry?”
“Yes, sorry…sometimes I get a little impatient”
“I bet”
“Maybe, I can take you out to lunch?”

The elevator arrives “Maybe-not” He held his hand infront of the door as I stepped into the elevator. “thank you, again” The elevator began to move. *ding!* 4th floor…the doors began to open “Uuh…can I have my keys now?” He places them in my hand. “Are you sure you dont want to take me up on the lunch offer?”
“positive”
“positive?”
“Yes, thank you”
“Maybe, next-”
The elevator doors close and went on my way, dont get me wrong he was attractive…with his broad shoulder and milk chocolate colored skin but i just didn’t need and more disappointments or let downs. It was too soon. But, he was still fine…fine as all outdoors!

Archer
Damn, I didnt even catch her name. She was beautiful and fit, I though. As the elevator went back down to the Lobby Level I exited with a big smile on my face and alot of questions in my head. Is she married? Who does she work for? How long has she been here?

These were details, I was longing to find out. So, I went to the Front Desk Attendant and asked to see th e empolyee log. She stood up and handed it to me. “Good Morning, Mr. Samms” I began to look throught the company profiles. “Mr.Samms, is there something wrong…anything I can help you with?”
“Hmmm, maybe” He responds.
“Short, slender, brown skin female…”
“visitor or employee”
“I’m not sure…I think she works on the fourth floor”
“Oh! uh…Ms. Jade”
“Jade?”
“Yes, I think so…let me show you”
She reaches for the book, flips and turns and there she was. She pointed “her?”
“Yes” Is she married?”
“huh?”
“Do you know?”
“I dont think so”
“Dating anyone in the building”
“No, she’s kind of low key”
“Ah, okay”
“Here’s a little something for your troubles…lunch on me”
“Thank you, Mr. Samms”
She folds up the money and puts it in her pocket.
“Have a good day, sir!”
“You too!”

Jade
“Good Morning Jovan!”
“Hay, Miss B”
“How are you this morning?”
“Good…good, I can’t complain”
“Your looking fabulous as usual”
“Thanks!”

Jovan, was the full-time administrative assistant and part-time cheerleader. She would say whatever she had to say to put a smile on your face, but the rest of the office was another story. Everytime, I entered the office and walked past the cubicles I could hear the haters…spectator speculating…drama queens and drama queers. There wasnt a day that went past that they didnt have anything to say.

“Girl, why she come back to work?” I heard one say.
“Good Morning..Good Morning Everyone!” I tried to ignore it.
“Hello”
“Hi”
“Mmm-Hmmm” one said without looking up from her desk.

I walked to my desk and settled in for the day. Log into my computer and went straight to Facebook to vent. “Trying not to smack one of these winches in my office…today is going to be a good day regardless” I updated my page.

“Girl, have you seen that fine, tall, black stallion that works in the property management office?”
“Chil’ yes”
“I would love to climb that tree”
I could heard them in the back ground.
“Hay Jade” Shaunte gets up and walk over to my desk.
“How are you feeling today?”
“I’m fine…can’t complain”
“Who the hell they gossiping about today” Shaunte inquired.
“Hhhmmm? the usual…me and everyone else”
“That’s why they can’t get a promotion..”
I started laughing
“girl! you funny”
“They spend to much of their day talking smack every damn body in the office”
“I know, right?”
“Well, child…let me get some work done”
“Okay, we on for lunch”
“yeah, of course. I responded.

I had to complie a list of prospect who had inquired about becoming real estate agents within the past 90 days and send them reminder cards for our up and coming open house. The housing marketing wasnt going so great with the high unemployment rates and all. We had people inquiring but no one was really signing up for the classes. We had come up with the “Open House” idea to try to get more people to join our spring class. Hopefully, it would work because i sure could use the bonus. The first customer service associate to sign 50 new trainees would get a $2,000 bonus. All the things I could do with an additional two thousand dollars…new clothes..new shoes…all the things I shouldn’t buy. I needed to start putting more money towards my retirement and the building fund at church. I drifted away focus’d on sending invite yet fantascizing on how I’d spend my peice of change.

Before, I knew it- it was time for lunch.
“Huh? B there’s some carrier at the Receptionist Desk asking for you” Jovan annouced over the phone. “Okay…give me a minute!” I responded.
“Are you sure he’s here for me?” I picked up the phone.
“Yes Ma’m!”
“You want me to go get it” Shaunte hollered from her desk”
“No, I’ll go…I’m coming okay”
“yes ma’m” Jovan responded.

I walked up to the Fromt Desk. There was a guy standing there, tapping his foot holding ballons and a small turquoise box.
“Jade?” he asked.
“yes” I responded.
“sign here”
“Who is it from?”
“Don’t Know?”
“You dont know?”
“Nope”
“Miss Jade, you didn’t tell anyone today was your birthday” Jovan stated
“-It’s not”
“Oh?” she responded…sounding a little shocked and confused.

Hell, no one could have been more shocked than me. Random gifts didnt just come my way everyday. I walked into the hall way didnt want to give the goone mob anything else to talk about. I walk towards the public restroom down the hall. I couldn’t even began to guess who or what, so I impatiently open the turquoise box. A card?

“since, I know you dont like verbal apologies I thought maybe balloons might do the trick”

No name no nothing. Who sends a gift with no name…no contact number. What the hell was this guy trying to prove…he liked me or did he just want to aggravate me further. I guess he was kinda sweet though. I called Shaunte from my cellphone

“Hay babes…bring me my car keys…in the top draw”.
“Why what’s wrong…are you sick…are you okay?” she raised her voice.
“Calm down…be quiet! I’m cool”
“Okay, dont make me worry like that” she replied with a sigh of relief.
“Just hurry up…hurry up! I’m in the bathroom in the hallway.”
“Okay, here I come!”

Shaunte walked through the door
“What the-”
“I know…I don’t know- dont get me started” I stuttered.
“Chil’ who dun got the hotts for you”
“Long story”
“Hell, I’m listening…”
“I don’t know…it all started this morning, when some guy cut me off coming through the-”
“Was he cute…Was he fine, gurl?”
Ummm? yeah! but like I was saying he cut me off kinda like how you just cut me off”
“Than…I ended up at the elevator with him”
“Aaannnd…go head…go head!” she urged me impatiently.
“And I kind of said something to him about it…he apologized and invited me to lunch”
“Lunch!”
“Yeah”
“And what you say- dont tell me…” she turned up her face
“I said no!”
“No!”
Yeah-no!”
“you said yeah or no?”
“Girl, he was looking at me like he would swallow me whole”
“Thats what you want- aint it?” She asked.
“I guess…maybe”
“You guess?”
“Yeah, I cant take another episode..I told you what happen with ole boy, right”
“You told me, but it aint always gonna be like that”
“I like to live to see the day” I stated sarcasticly.
“It will”
“If you say so”
“O.k. so here’s the thing- I don’t even know this guys name”
“His name…how the hell you pull off a apology…invite to lunch and ballons- but no name”
“I dont know? I guess I didnt give him the time to tell me…I rushed off!”
“Hhmmm? We gon hafta find out who dis mystery man is..”
“did you see what floor he got off at?”
“No?”
“Damn”
“He followed me up”
“girl- do I really have to teach you everything?” she continued.
“What’s he look like?”
“MMmmm? Tall, Dark…Handsome!”
“Winch, thats alot of people”
“Okay…uuhh? He had broad shoulders…”
“o.k. broad shoulders”
“He had on a tan shirt with a tan and brown tie”
“Ok, so now we getting somewhere”
“Oh! dreads”
“Dreads”
“Yeah…dreads…locs”
“Long ones?”
“Yeah”
“I think I know who you talking bout”
“For real” I replied.
“Yea- I got you!”

“Ok so what we gon do about the ballons…you take them to the desk with you”
“Alright, I’ll just tell them Al sent these.”
“Good…the last thing I need to do is give them fools something else to talk about”
“I know”

We walked back into the office.
“Mmmm”
“What yall got there?” the queen of gossip Corian asked.
“OOww…no of ya business” Shaunte responded.
“Uuuhh? Dont be acting all ugly and what not” He replied.
“-And dont be acting all noisey and what not!” she told him.

I just went to my desk laughing.
“What her sick ass laughing at?” Corian mumbled.
“Aiight! don’t get your ass slapped” Shaunte responded feavorishly.
“Alright, yall” He cosigner stepped in.

If was getting harder and harder to ignore their little smart comments so, I decided to wrap the day up, before I had to update my facebook to “Going to jail for having to slap me a mf’er!”

“Tay, I’m out of her.” I holla across my cubicle.
“You gone”
“Yea, before I have to hurt somebody up and here..before I have to go gospel gangster up in here like Mr.Brown say”
“Girl, you crazy!”
“I’ll see you tomorrow”
“Alright”

It was a relief to get up out of that office.
“Jovan, I’m gone for the day…if anyone needs me they can reach me on my cell.”
“Okay…have a great evening!”
“You too!”